Living, Learning, Growing - Thank You England
Rafiki from the Lion King put it best - "The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”
In 48hours I’ll be on a plane leaving England. As is everything I do, I thought moving back home, half way across the world, wasn’t enough of a stress. I thought a three week trip abroad to soak up the last of living in Europe was the right idea. And it did sound good a couple months ago when I planned it and when I talked to people about it. But have you ever tried packing for a holiday with just a carry on (so light packing) but also that carry on is one of the only 2 suitcases you are bringing back?! It has been a game of playing Tetris with my packing cubes to try and get all that I can back. The last 2 weeks have been a journey, planning and booking one of the most epic trips to date for me, saying goodbye to friends, housemates, coworkers, and the city, all whilst preparing to move home.
I am exhausted.
I really do not know how I packed the first time, I must have blocked it out, because there is no way that it was this painful! I have gotten rid of what I thought was a lot of stuff, yet somehow trying to make everything fit feels impossible. The past two weeks have been a lot of me not quite acknowledging I actually have to leave here, and since teleportation has still not been perfected, that I would have to actually get rid of and pack up ALL my things. A big shout out to my parents who picked up a lot of the pieces that I didn’t bring to England, I have never been so grateful for you both! But some of the difficulty has come from deciding what I can let go of. I didn’t collect much stuff here, knowing one day I would have to lug it back, but what I did collect, means something to me. A reminder of the time I’ve had and the people I’ve met, the memories I have made, and somehow, someway, those things are all going to have to fit.
Other than packing – which feels like all I’m doing – I have been saying a lot of goodbyes. I started with my coworkers, and on my last day of work with the NHS, I could never have expected to have the sendoff that I got. Knowing I could not really pack any “gifts” home, my coworkers contributed a collection to my travels (which I was able to finalize all my travel plans with!). But they also put together a virtual card which included some of the most kind, thoughtful messages I have ever read about myself. We often do not know the impact that our words have on people, but as I read the card over and over, the little girl inside who always felt she was an outcast, not very smart, not good enough, felt seen and like she contributed to something over the last 18months. I wrapped up my last football game with my Kempsey Ladies team, scoring 2 goals! It was a stunning, sunny, Sunday afternoon, I was cruising around the pitch and the entire team played so well – I am really going to miss playing with this extremely supportive, encouraging and fun group of women! I have had a lot of lasts over these two weeks; last run club, last bottomless brunch, last Easter Sunday service in England, last weekend visit with AK, last bank holiday at the Barrels… lasts and more lasts.
And as I sat with AK for our last Sunday lunch (IYKYK), I asked her how this time could be so much harder? I have done this all before and yet it feels foreign, and she wisely told me “you showed up homeless, unemployed and clueless, but you’ve come a long way”, that I now know what it is going to be like to move. I know the struggle of shipping your whole life to another country. I know what it is like to have friendships with an eight hour time change. I know what it feels like to be happy where you are, but miss what you had. This time, I know the sadness that will be waiting on the other side. That after a month, or two months when the excitement of being home has worn off, I get to look forward to missing everything I have here. This move is harder, because I am no longer that naïve girl who left home looking for an adventure, unsure of what lay ahead. This move is different because I know what it is going to feel like to miss a life.
You might ask what this has to do with the Lion King and learning from the past – after all I am moving again so did I really learn anything? I in fact did. I have changed and grown as a person, someone I really like (hopefully others do to) and I am going to bring that woman back to Canada. But not only that, I have learned that we all have choices, I chose to follow my heart and the voice telling me that Canada, and home, was the best place for me. I have learned that straddling two worlds is not possible, so this time I won’t do that. Instead I have worked on how to support, follow and keep in touch with people at a distance. I have decided to “let go” of what I think my life should look like, instead taking the opportunities put in front of me. In moving this time, I learned the past can hurt, but running from it doesn’t actually change anything, we have to change ourselves. I certainly didn’t learn how to pack, but I cannot run from it! What I did learn, is that at any point in our lives we can start over, change the path we are on, and we can do it multiple times. I learned that surrounding yourself with people who lift you up, support and encourage, who champion you, those are the ones to keep around. That – is universal.
I want to say a really big thank you to all those who did this for me in England. From AK’s friends and neighbours donating stuff and helping Kenz and I move. To coworkers who carpooled with me and included me in extracurricular activities with work. To the friends who celebrated my birthdays, took me to different cities on their days off, to the beach days in beautiful South Wales. To the football evenings, the team bonding and the lifts to games in all different cities. To my pub family that welcomed a stranger. To the housemates who took me in and helped cultivate a place to call home. They deserve medals for getting me through the English winter! And to all the people I crossed paths with, thank you. I could never have predicted the community that I built here, and two years is just not long enough, but I don’t think any amount of time would ever be “enough”. I was given a gift over the past two years and I think it’s the greatest gift I have ever received.
I have packed (mostly) and I’ll be heading off on such an adventure. I cannot wait to share with you! I am starting off in Prague and then travelling in and around eastern Europe down to Greece for my birthday. A few of my friends are meeting me there and I am so excited for a last goodbye! But what I am mostly excited for, is those waiting at home for me. Over the past few weeks friends from home have reached out and have wished me all the best in my last days, but they are looking forward to having me home. My nieces and nephews have facetimed and are excited to have me at their games and spend the summer with them. I have camping trips planned for my return, running with friends, football with my old teams. I get to meet my friends littles who were born while I have been away. I really feel like I have something to go home to. I won’t lie, I have been really nervous about going back. Wondering if I made the wrong choice. Over this period of packing and preparing to leave, I have been reminded of the community I also have there. The people, and the support, so as scared as I am to do this all again, I know I have the best people to lean on.
So thank you England, you’ve been a dream, more than I could have ever imagined. I don’t know where life will take me, but I’ll take this experience wherever I go.
Hails.